Testimony

 So I have looked back at my posts over the last couple of months and for a while I was stuck in a very hard place.  With my father's death last year and some trials I went through with several people that opened up wounds I ended up seeking out counseling.   I had a bad habit of just doing to nicotine and chain smoking when I was going through tough times instead of turning to God.   PTSD reared its ugly head and I would go through shutdown after shutdown and in some cases it kept me away from church and from the people that love me including my pastor and my church family.  

I was very close to suicide several times.   I just wanted to get away from the pain that I was going through and those voices from my past telling me that I was no good and I was not going to be able to accomplish anything.   I was listening, as my pastor put it, more to the vultures than the ravens.  I was listening to people that were stuck in their own hurt and anger and letting them pull me down.  

Earlier this year I developed a nasty cough.    It was getting the point with that cough where part of me was ready to go to the doctor and get it checked out.  By that time I had stopped with the self medication and I was learning to trust God and repent and give my life over to him.  Fortunately God put several people in my life from the mental health organization Pine Rest.   I went into counseling with a Christian counselor at their Caledonia Clinic, and in October I went through a diagnostic assessment where it was confirmed that I had Complex PTSD and OCD and she basically rediagnosed me as on the Autistic Spectrum.  

God is above all that though.   Through my counselor at Pine Rest and through a Healthy Living Group that I was put into by the Psychologist that diagnosed me,  I learned coping strategies that would help me through.  One of those was changing my eating habits and turning away from a lot of the junk food that I was eating at the time.  Another was getting exercise on a regular basis.  I also learned breathing techniques for calming down after going through through periods of mental hell.  

Most of all though I realized that I needed to stop running away from God.   It was after a service where I ran away and then came back after God got ahold of me that one of our pastors rebuked me.  He told me that what I was doing by running away was slapping God in the face.  I realized that first and foremost I had to stop running.  I had to stop running from my past.  I had to let God really go to work on my life.  I had to quit with the self medication that was going on as well and learn to put my trust in His Word.  God was calling me to repentance.  

Many people on the autistic spectrum fight with rejection and I know that I am not the only one that has walked through that.  What I learning is to give things to God when I am fighting with rejection dysphoria and anxiety.   He is the ultimate provide and wound healer.   That is why we call him Jehovah-Jireh, my provider.  

It has been a long road getting there.   About a week ago when I learned about admin leave I was tempted to go right back to self medication.   Fortunately God got ahold of me and instead I really just got into my word and just into prayer and trusting that God's will is going to be done.  At the same time talking with my counselor has helped me to cope with some of the anger at my dad and the way he misunderstood autism growing up.   That dark hole that I was filling with self-medication I am learning to go to God with and learning to let Him fill it instead with his Peace.  

Just like me and my past we have a choice.  There are many out there that have walked through the darkness that I have walked through and been on the road that I have been on.  Thankfully I can say that the Lord has given me a testimony of walking through those trials and letting God refine me.  

God bless all of you.