Being on leave

I just want to be straight out and honest.  

Right now I am on leave from my job but at the same time as a Christian I am realizing that this is a test and that I need to lean into God and let God give me the strength to overcome some of the challenges that I am facing.  

I have said in one of my previous blogs that basically being an ABA therapist and being on the spectrum myself can be difficult at times.   Almost like I go in and I just want to be a role model for these kids and I want to help them but at the same time there are times when I can get like a bull in a china shop and where I am not aware of my own strength.  

Overload can have an impact on me especially when I'm trying to focus, when I'm trying to help out others and yet my mind is racing from sensory overload and it's like there are times when I need to step aside of just let another behavior technician or a supervisor help me and stop trying to do things myself.  

Then came the announcement that I had been put on leave.  It was light all of the sudden a fist was smashed into my face.  I was like what did I do wrong? Every day I pray for wisdom from God and I try to go in and walk the walk and talk the talk with people and here I am on leave.  

But then I go back to what I'm reading in Exodus and what I've been reading in my Chronological study bible and I've come to realize that God is testing me here to see if I'm going to be faithful or whether I'm going to throw it away.   

And believe me that first day I was tested because I'm going to be honest, I dealt with PTSD for a long time and depression and anxiety and there were times when I would go to cigarettes or to alcohol and part of me was tempted to go back down that road.   In fact I took a shot of Jack Daniels whiskey that night because of the fact that I was so upset.  And with my meds that could have killed me.  

But truthfully God got ahold of me and made me realize that basically that was like slapping in the face.   It was like I was going to another altar as my pastor put it in one of his sermons.  I was starting to go down the path of as he put it "The altar of Tiglath-Pilezer".   Ahaz disobeyed God in the story my pastor laid out that Sunday.  He became more attached to that other altar.  I was starting to do the same thing like I was doing years back when I was fighting with PTSD and going to the altar of chain smoking to self medicate.   

I came home that night looked at myself and realized that I needed to stop.  I needed to repent and turn back to God.  I still will get those urges but now I'm learning to lean into God and talk to God about instead of smacking him in the face.  I'm learning to go to the Word.   This is a test.  And the only way that I'm going to make it through is to cling to the Lord.  

Blessings everyone.