A few weeks ago the results from a diagnostic assessment by Pine Rest came back. I was wondering if maybe I had Borderline Personality Disorder because I was dealing with some of characteristics of the condition. Given my history of trauma the Psychologist diagnosed me with Complex PTSD. Before a couple of years ago I had never heard anything about CPTSD. But the more I did my research on things the more I understand that the diagnosis does indeed stick.
It explains the anger and outbursts I have had over the years and a lot of them have to do with the way I was bullied during my adolescent years and how I was picked on for being on the autistic spectrum. I do look forward to finally getting treatment for it. The group is being set up and my orientation session will be next month.
The trauma driven anger was definitely affecting my work performance for a long time. I would be working on grading Chromebooks and my mind would be set on revenge against those people that had bullied me and hurt me in the past. Part of me was afraid of what would happen if I encountered an angry person, how would I deal with it? Part of my mind just wanted to get in their face just like did at my first job with a guy that headed up my department that was verbally abusive and also a drinker.
The more I read about CPTSD, the more I understand what I fought with and the more I understand that the struggle has a name. I have faith that between my church family, my support team at Pine Rest, and understanding friends that I will be able to work through this and everything will be alright. And i rejoice that God has purpose for the pain and a job for me in this life to be there with people that are going through similar situations.
OCD can be challenging as well but med management has definitely helped a lot with dealing with some of the symptoms. I know there are other hurting people out there that deal with OCD and are walking that path. I spent years with people in an anxiety group that had OCD, Agorophobia and other conditions. And I know the walk is not easy and that mental illness is a monster that never gives up.
Jesus knows the pain. He walked through it while he was on this earth. He knows each one of us and the trials and tribulations that we deal with in life. I'm thankful and blessed that He's walking with me through this.
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