I so wanted to go to church. I love my church family. I hate it when I'm not able to be there. PTSD can be vicious though. I got up as usual and got around and got dressed and got ready to get on my way to church. In between my leaving for the bus to go to church and getting around a trigger occurred. Not going to say what it was but next thing you know my head was in my hands and rage consumed my body. I was in survival mode.
I just wanted to fight back against the person that hurt me although it's been 20 some years since I was in that position where I was verbally abused by him. I wanted to do to him what he did to me. I screamed and shouted and threw things. I was angry as heck. But I was angry at someone that was no longer in my life or hurting me.
And then I just started crying and put my head in my hands. I just couldn't take the pain. I hated that I was missing church. I hated that I was missing time with my church family. And I was embarrassed as hell. Cuss words were coming as well. I was frozen up in fear for the next 3 hours. Finally around 12:30 I was ready to get out and I was ready to go grocery shopping.
A combination of PTSD and OCD was tormenting me. I felt paranoid that I was going to face a lawsuit from a random direction. I felt paranoid that I was going to stand as the defendant in a courtroom because I said the wrong things. I don't have much. Just my condo. Just a place where I can sleep. Just a computer. Why would someone be so nasty as to take me to court. I was totally locked up and these two conditions were feeding off each other.
I wanted so bad to tell the next person that I bumped into to F off. It was running through my mind. Just to scream at the bullies to F off and just walk away and leave me alone.
Being bullied is the most horrid thing in the world and I went through this growing up. There's no excuse to treat anyone like this. No reason except because you want to feel bigger than someone else. Worst kind of Animal.
I have dealt with just negative views of God for a long time. For a long time I felt like God was just waiting to throw me down. That the next time I went to church someone was going to call me out. It's like why won't you hear my side of the story. Why wont you hear me.
Although I know this is not true that's where my mind get trapped. That God is angry and ready to just take all his rage out on me.
That God is like the two people that hurt me. "Ill just find someone who can. You're worthless and less than nothing. I'm going to "jack you up" and "beat the shit out of you". God's sitting there waiting to tell me that I'm going straight to hell.
My mind lies to me and I know this is not the truth. I know God loves me. And that when I suffer he suffers with me. I've read enough scripture and enough of the Word to know that.
But my mind fights against that when I'm in survival mode. My mind lies to me and tells me that God is the bad guy and that I'm guilty.
I hate it. I want to be the person that God wants me to be. But my mind and PTSD just keep getting in the way.
Thank you for hearing my rant.
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