I sometimes don't understand why it had to happen. Why did Stan (that's his name) have to make verbal threats against me and tell me off for almost a year when I was living in supported independence. I just really want to tell him right back to get a life himself or to eff off. He has no idea how much his comments hurt me. He just thinks that he's ghetto and mr gangsta.
I had a panic attack for almost 2 hours this morning where I was in total shutdown mode. It was a combination of several things that set it off which I am not going to talk about. But when I go into panic attack mode the words of the people who verbally abused me come flying back at me. And combined with OCD which causes me to be paranoid and afraid that someone might sue me (Responsibility OCD) it can be so life disrupting.
Cancel Culture has been terrible over the past couple of years since 2020 and before. If you are not with us your are against us. If you have a different opinion then it's like F off and I don't want you as a friend. Growing up on the autistic spectrum I dealt with being misunderstood with being bullied with people acting like I was some pervert when I'm not
I want friend but I have such trouble making friends and it's because of some of these paranoid fears that I have. I wish that there was just a way to get past all this. I genuinely want friends without them attacking me accusing me or wanting to make fun of me or so on.
Part of me is scared of something that might come and disrupt my routine as a person on the autistic spectrum and frankly the OCD fears of litigation and the threat of change and being laughed at and mocked again send me spiralling into chaos.
So my word to people is please show me grace. Before you want to go and start judging me and presuming to know what's going on or to "Speak truth in love" why don't you just understand where the f I am coming from and what the F I've gone through.
I apologize if those comes off strong but I just want some genuine friends. I am so sick of the anxiety. I'm sick of everything.
Im sorry if this post comes off strong but Im just blowing off steam I'm so upset right now. And I'm thankful that my counselor recommended journaling because this is a way to get my emotions out. I grew up with relatives also that had an outdated view of mental health. I grew up with people telling me that my autism should be something that should be swept under the rug. And that I need to be institutionalized. And they would treat mental health issues in this "Be thankful we didn't put you away." mentality.
Years of working with an alcoholic supervisor. Years or him yelling at me or just acting like I was stupid or worthless or couldn't do anything right or running his mouth like he was ghetto or something. This was a totally different person but the fact that he acted like that sounded so much like Stan and it just set off the paranoia fear and anger and I probably came off as just another stupid ass fuck to him.
One morning he comes into work and he would get on me because I screwed up and start yelling and this had happened every day for years and finally I raised my fists to him. I had had enough. I was ready to hit back at him and fight. The warehouse boss (the alcoholic man was just in charge of my particular department) stepped between us and warned me that I would be fired if I ever raised my fists again.
All this because a piece of shit decided he wanted to be a "Thug" in front of his friends and act gangsta and threaten some disabled kid in the group home. You have no idea what you did!
Writing all this down really helps. From now I'm going to start trying to write again on a regular basis. Please pardon the bad language. And if you want to "Speak the truth in Love" to me why don't you listen to my fucking side of things instead of preaching at me.
Well I've said my bit today. Sorry about the language.
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