I have a great counselor and being able to sit down and talk about the things that are driving some of the anxiety that I deal with helps so much. Much of it comes at any moment and when it comes it is like it totally shuts me down and locks me up.
The past few Sundays have been a bit hard for me. I will get up and get around and get ready to go to church but then PTSD will hit me and next thing you know I am totally incapacitated for the next 30-45 minutes. A flashback can be terrifying. It's like all the sudden there are the harsh words and the angry people that I dealt with in the past running through my head and in an instant I feel powerless again. My hands go to my head, it's like I am trapped.
Understanding that God is there with me walking through it is what really helps me. Having friends that are going through the same things that I can talk to about it really helps. My church family has always been a natural support for me and they have always been there to pray with me and understand what's going on. The first couple of years after I got saved and baptized was difficult because I was still dealing with paranoia and anxiety and was distrustful of a new group of people that I had never been around before. I thought for sure that they were going to be nasty to me and that they were going to look down t their nose at me. And I felt like they were going to reject me in the end.
In the end that's not what happened. But that's what what anxiety feels like. Thats what Complex PTSD feels like. You want to find and cling to people that you know are going to love you take care of you and have your best. But there is this fear that you are going to be rejected or that they are going to laugh at you or that they are going to push you away. My mind was totally trapped in I'm hurting and I need you please dont walk away" for years.
Starting a new job was not easy for me either. When I first started at the computer company that I work for I wasn't sure what to expect. Part of me throught that it was going to be more of the same, that I was going to be dumped off and dubbed incapable and thrown into a low end job doing lifting and loading. But that's not what happened because the people around me were committed to making sure that I have every chance to succeed. And these days I'm working doing functional testing and cosmetic grading on Chromebooks and working on getting certified in doing the same thing with Macbooks and next up is going to be phones Ipods and Ipads. I look forward to it.
I'm learning to see my God given value every day. That God loves me and has a plan for me. And I'm becoming more open about talking about the pain that I have dealt with in the past and that helps. I'm learning to be honest with the mental health professionals that are trying to help me and to not cover it up the way that members of my own family taught me to do.
2019-2021 were particularly hard years for me. There were several times I just wanted to end it all and there were a few times that I actually tried to overdose on aspirin. There were times when I went to bridges and looked down with tears in my eyes and just wanted to jump. What stopped me was God's love. At one point a phone call from a Christian ministry group kept me from doing it. I would cut and then hide it under my clothes at my job. Noone saw the marks because I was working back in trucks and was at most working with one or two other popel . I was afraid that if I said anything about it or showed it to people that I would lose my job and my family would be all over my case about how I'm incompetent and can't hold down a job. The people at my church have been with me through so much. And a lot of them didn't know this stuff was going on because I didn't openly talk about it with anyone because I was afraid. I was treated like I was an embarrassment for having mental breakdowns because my family had the attitude of sweep it all under the rug.
God kept me alive and on this earth through so much. He wouldn't let me die. I dealt with some of the aftereffects of trying to swallow the pills but God kept me on this earth. I am thankful that I have a counselor and psychiatrist that have drawn up a plan and that God has put my best friend in my life as well and she knows me well enough to know when I'm going through PTSD episodes.
I know God is writing my story. And that my story is going to help others who are hurting. My pain has a purpose. I need to trust Him. If you are dealing with these things please do not be afraid to speak up. There's no shame in it at all. God bless you.
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