Its very tough for me sometimes when PTSD hits. This morning I was looking forward to church but PTSD hit. It's been going on for quite a bit now. It's like part of me is afraid that if I talk to someone that my dad's words are going to come out of that person and that I am just going to feel completely helpless and powerless. There's a part of me that just wants to run and just to stay away from people and relationships because of my fear that someone is going to get angry and is just going to explode at me.
As many of you know I worked with a man for almost 10 years that had a temper. When he would yell it was like I couldn't fight back against him. I've endured threats from people because they just wanted to make themselves look big over me including an staff person at one of the foster care facilities that I used to live at. He threatened to physically jump me every time that I saw him for a year and a half I was terrified of him. Same with the other guys that I was living with because their temper tantrums were loud and violent.
My own father when he would get mad would yell. It was so hard for me and I felt like I couldn't fight back. My words were powerless against his own.
This is the face of PTSD. Its a place of fear and emotional dysregulation. All we want is to be around people that care about us and just want to me a part of our lives and that aren't going to repeat the abuse that we went through. We can be clingy. When someone loving and caring comes into our life that wants us we will get clingy with them. I was this way with my pastor for a long time until he finally told me that there have to be boundaries. I was afraid of what would happen if my church abandoned me and put me out.
I know that I have a Loving Father in heaven that wants me and that's what keeps me going. I just really want him to deal with this trauma so that I can have Joy and I can have peace again. I want that peace. I want that Joy. My life is not about tearing people down but building people up. I know that my experiences are meant to help out others. And for me to connect them with the Loving Father that I know.
God is all I am going on right now. It's like some of the verses in Psalms where David is crying out. God has me in this situation. Faith is all that I have to go on right now. I want to go out and serve and help others and help people to know that God that I know. I have a passion on my heart to go work in health care. There's a part of me that is trusting God's process and I know that it was happen in His time and His way not on my own timing.
My counselor is a God-send in my life. The meds that I am on really help a lot with some of the paranoia that I got through. I am thankful for my mother and the good people in my life. I know my church family loves me to death and that's another way that I am blessed. The computer company that I work for is awesome! There are a lot of things to be grateful. I need to keep my eyes focused on that.
I cannot avoid angry people because there are going to be situations where I deal with them. I am going to get triggered. But I can choose how I deal with the trauma. Do I let them continue to do it or do I say "Im sorry but I can't be around you if you're going to act like that" and then walk away. They may explode and get angrier but I can choose to calmly react and just distance myself from them. I have choices. And I need to realize that.
I am listening to my grandmothers' church online this morning. It's about giving doubts up to Jesus and letting everything go to him. I need to really put my faith and trust in him even in the hardest moments in my life when I struggle with these things. I am a lot like Doubting Thomas the Twin sometimes. "Unless I can see and touch it I wont believe". But Jesus appeared even to Thomas and told him not to doubt but to believe. Trusting can be tough sometimes. But I know that I need to
God bless all of you.
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