How OCD has affected my faith walk and how God has helped me through

 In 2008 I was at the end of my rope.  I was having constant nightmares about the Great Tribulation and I was afraid that I was going to be left behind.  My anxiety was horrible, my parents were beside themselves because they had no idea of what was going on.   In the end I ended up in full hospitalization for about a month.  

I'm learning that I need to start speaking up.   I know that I am going to face the heat for it but when I do I'm in good company with Jesus.  I can't just cover up what's going on with me anymore.  I suffered for a long time because I did but God just kept chasing me down and walking with me.   Amazing isn't it?  

For most of us following Jesus the faith walk is about trusting him having faith in him and letting him change us into his image.  For some though a diagnosed mental condition such as OCD Schizophrenia Borderline Personality Disorder or even Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can make us doubt God's goodness.   We may believe in God but wonder if he is good and question his nature.   I was there for years before finally God broke through and showed me the truth about himself and His love for me.  

I was reading this morning about the disciples and how many of them dealt with their doubts and it wasn't just Thomas.   Peter was a walking mess but God loved him anyway and used him in a mighty way.  Philip was a doubter and struggled with some of Jesus teachings but God was ever patient with him.   Most of us have walked the path of persecution and stereotypes before.   The name calling the bullies, many of us have been there.   Most of the disciples were misunderstood, they were harrassed bullied chased down persecuted.   The truth is it's hard I know but we are in good company when we go through trials.  And God is always there walking with us.  

For years all I could focus on was whether I was going to Hell and whether I was truly saved or not.   I had to have that reassurance from people that I was going to escape the tribulation and that I was not going to go to Hell and that God was going to finish what he started.  I felt trapped.   Trapped between God and what I didn't understand, I didn't understand how OCD worked.   Educating myself on the topic and reading up on OCD definitely did help a lot.  

I will say that my church never gave up on me.  My pastor knew that I was struggling with scrupulosity OCD and he's continued to love me and walk with me even though I have been irrational at times.   I would repeatedly ask for assurance from him that I was not going to Hell and he would just make sure that I was getting the proper treatment for OCD and make sure I was on my meds.    

Knowing the truth that it's OCD that it's Scrupulosity and that I don't have to worry anymore is a reassurance.  For many getting a diagnosis is that AHA moment where you realize that this is what you have been struggling with all along.  

I write this because there are many that struggle like I do in the church.  Their diagnosis may not be OCD, it might be some other type of mental illness but because of it they struggle with aspects of their belief system.   The most important thing to remember is that most of us cannot help what we are going through.  The truth is what we need is someone to connect us to Jesus and not to buy into harmful stereotypes.   

My own family is still struggling to come to an understanding of mental health and mental illness.  Many of them buy into stereoypes that they were taught growing up.  They were taught that people with mental illness are the responsibility of the state and that they need to be put away.   This attitude is changing.  Mental Health these days is actually being better understood every day and people in the mental health system have more access to case management and help than ever before.   

Most of the time Exposure Therapy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy are used to treat OCD.  Thankfully I have a counselor that is teaching me some ways to deal with the negative thoughts.   Walking, birdwatching, spending time with church family.  And most important thing is to have positive encouraging people around you that are not going to put you down or try to destroy you based on stereotypes or bad information.  Sometimes we have to just block people or put people out of our lives and it's hard when they are family members that won't stop buying into false ideas.   

God bless all of you.