Sometimes it's not easy but I just gotta brag on Jesus. Since this summer I really watched God change my life and the life of a friend of mine as well. For most of the summer I was a wreck. Constantly being triggered, constantly turning to nicotine to numb the pain that I was going through. I struggled with anger, anger at family that would judge me because of my differences and buy into stereotypes.
Sitting down with a counselor has really helped a lot. I have started to realize that what I am dealing with is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and that there are ways that I can cope. One of those ways is to keep my eyes on Jesus. To turn to God's Word and what Jesus has to say about me when I am dealing with trauma and shakiness. For a long time I was suspicious, I was suspicious of even church family, I thought that they were going to turn their back on me and that they were just going to give up on me and throw me to the wolves. But the truth is it turns out all of this was just paranoia that I was dealing with, and my mind was bound up by Scrupulosity and OCD for a long time.
God let me know through his Word that He would never abandon me or leave or forsake me, that he would walk through everything for me. There are going to be times when he's going to discipline me and I'm going to have to go through breaking. For a long time I was into pornography and God managed to break me of that. And finally God managed to break through the scrupulosity as well. And God has been filling me with so much peace and so much joy as of late.
My counselor and I worked out a safety plan for what to do when I deal with trauma. I know I can either let it consume me or I can do Bible reading, go out for a walk, play a game, focus on an attitude of gratitude instead of focusing on the trauma. This afternoon I applied for another position at Hope Network. God has put on my heart this dream of going out and being a Peer Support Specialist and a Counselor. Peers help lead other people to recovery, through the sharing of their stories. God can work so many miracles and he can take the hopeless and turn them around and fill them with Hope.
I still do struggle with some trauma, but I'm learning to focus on God and the good people that he has put around me. He's put a couple of wonderful friends in my life that are helping me to keep my eyes on God and know that I am love. He's put a great pastor in my life that I know cares deeply for me, and he's also put some really great brothers and sisters of faith around me and I'm realizing all those years when I was paranoid I was just dealing with trauma and I was just listening to lies.
God does love me. Aspergers is not some curse that needs to be healed. In fact more and more I look at it as a blessing and a gift. Because 1. It teaches me humility and to be dependent on God and 2. God has gifted me with some amazing talents.
I am blessed. And things are looking hopeful!
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