Over the last couple of weeks I've been working towards my Macbook certification but things have not been easy. I have made more than a few mistakes and most of them are because I was honestly misinformed. But in my mind I was kicking myself. How could I make these mistakes. I'm supposed to be improving and not going downhill. I'm going to lose my Level 2 position. All these lies were circulating in my head.
I came into work today and I was real down on myself. I felt terrible, I felt like I had really failed the supervisors and everyone, and I felt like I was no good at computers after all and that I just needed to move on to something that I was better at. Finally my supervisor came over to me and told me not to be too hard on myself that sometimes it takes time.
The Truth is that I was not trusting God at all. I was not putting my faith in God that he has a good plan. I was letting the machinations of Perfection OCD run through my brain. Now to tell you the truth OCD can be a good thing because it really allows me to be hypervigilant about quality, as a matter of fact there are times when I will check devices 3 or 4 times over just to make sure that I made no errors. But what I lost track of is the fact that I'm fairly new to the Macbooks game. Yes I did spend a month or two getting certified on Chromebooks and a lot of things from Chromebooks do translate over to Macbooks. But there are differences in the way that Macbooks are graded vs Chromebooks.
Sometimes I perform and I just try and try hard at something and then I just end up getting frustrated. This morning I read in my Word about how Jesus has a yoke and it's light. He doesn't want us to get caught up in performing or traditions and rules. He doesn't want us to keep trying harder. He doesn't want us to be afraid or worried. He just wants us to rest and trust in Him.
For years I was at the whim of other peoples opinions. "Oh you're never going to be able to do that. Your never going to drive you should just forget about it." People thought that I was never going to get out of high school but I graduated in 5 years. And went on to College. God proved them wrong.
I fought with rejection anxiety OCD all kinds of things for years. God never gave up even when I was trying to fit in and find my identity in the things of this world.
In Jesus I am not "incapable" or "stupid" or "retarded". God loves and values me no matter what. For years I was smoking tobacco and chewing it, I would do things because I wanted to fit in. I was scared of rejection by other people. But the truth is I ended up getting laughed at anyway. Gods peace is not dependant on the opinions of this word and God never changes. The more that I am trusting him with everything and not trying to perform or work hard but just resting in His yoke, the more peace I am finding. God has put passions on my heart and one of them is to work in the mental health field. It not easy sometimes but I am trusting that He has a plan and the right doors will open up at the right time.
Peace my friends.
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