This morning I went to a coffeehouse with my pastor. I was looking around when I saw some art and that art included a Pileated Woodpecker.
I have sat and watched Pileated Woodpeckers hunting for grubs not too far from my house. I have watched them drum and then cock their heads and listen for insects and then drum again. I have come to realize my strengths and my weaknesses and that God works in both.
As a kid I used to spend a ton of time just memorizing the calls of birds and sketching and drawing birds. I also spent a lot of time with computers. These days I am thankful to say that I am working on computers for a living and I also like to go out take binoculars and birdwatch during the spring summer and fall.
My interests in birds, computers, classical music, this all comes from a developmental condition called Aspergers Syndrome that I grew up with. As one person put it we are some of the most brilliant intelligent people out there but we also have issue with gross motor stuff including tying our shoes.
My gross motor has always been kind of off. My hand eye coordination always has kind of kept me from playing sports like baseball or softball or kickball but I will say one thing that has really helped both is video games. Same with my computer skills.
See, a lot of modern video games while they can be addictive and can pull you in, they also can help with gross motor skills as well. I know I have to be careful, I do play role playing games but I have to know my limits and when enough is enough.
Many who are on the spectrum grew up with being bullied or being misunderstood and this can lead to self image issues and in some cases Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I still deal with this. I am just learning how to manage it and thank God I have a couple of friends who have been helping me through it. I know from scripture that God loves me right where I am but he also knows where I can go and what I can become through Jesus.
I have a burning passion in my heart to go serve Him, I have a burning passion to help those that deal with anxiety and mental illness and with developmental conditions like Aspergers. I know God has the perfect plan and will open the doors. But the key is I have to let him DEVELOP me.
My safety plan includes focusing on Bible Reading and on going out and taking walks when I am going through PTSD and when the OCD strikes (the obsessive thoughts that try and lead me into compulsions).
During this last year I got pulled into cleaning compulsions. My own mother tried to warn me "Save your money and don't go blowing it on things you don't need". The thing is with OCD sometimes I will say look at my couch and see that there are spots and that it's not clean enough for everyone and that people are going to make remarks and then I will get to the point where that's all that I focus on is just the cleaning and vacuuming until all the dirt is up. I get pulled into these obsessions about needing a more powerful vacuum so that my floors are super clean and presentable.
The truth is that most people that have come over to my house have observed that my house is immaculately clean but they don't see what's going on behind it. This is quite common for those with OCD family disorders.
OCD compulsions come out of nowhere and they can be consuming at times. But there are ways to cope. When I deal with these thoughts just remember who I am in Christ comes first and foremost. That I am loved unconditionally by a heavenly Father that wants a relationship with me.
Trusting in God and leaning into God and just having my church family walking through it with me means so much. Another obsession that I fight with is one that I have inadvertantly hurt others and that I am going to incur legal action. These days with sue happy America sometimes the new will trigger some of these things. I know Jesus is there and he is like a best friend to me and that he's someone that I can always talk to about things and that understands me.
The best thing someone can do for a person that is struggling with an anxiety disorder or with autism or with PTSD or with anything of that sort is not to jump to judgement. Yelling just makes things worse. Members of my own family have done this at times. A common reaction is yelling, guilt tripping, gaslighting but this is not the way to approach mental illness or anxiety disorders. I have met a lot of people from a lot of different walks dealing with a lot of different things and most of the time they are just seeking to be understood by others and not be judged. Get to know them. Sit and listen to their stories and what they have dealt with in their lives. And then let your words always be filled with grace and mercy and compassion and understanding.
God loves us. He wants to be a part of writing our story. He is as the Parable of the Prodigal Son put it that Loving Father with open arms that wants us to run to him.
Blessings.
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