I really felt to write about this today because I have had a history of going off my meds in the past either through the help of a doctor or by my own accounts. It actually happened to me about 2 years ago. I had gotten pulled away from my church by a man that I found out later actually was using me and taking advantage of me. He tried to get me to believe that being on medication was wrong and that it was "witchcraft". And his group backed him up in basically telling me that I needed to get off my meds. It has been one of the worst mistakes ever. I was listening to my ego more than anything else. Over 2 years my church reached out to me and I have reconnected with them. But I have suffered because of the fact that I made an extremely poor decision. About a year ago Dr. Walters closed my case. Back then I was covering up the fact that I was still suffering and that I needed help. I was embarrassed that if I talked about it out loud that my family would shame me and tell me to shut up about it. This is the way that I grew up.
Since then I have opened up with them. I have told my old psychiatrist that my OCD was getting bad again. Over the past two years I have dealt with genuine paranoia, a combination of cleaning compulsions, religious OCD (scrupulosity) and irrational fears about things that my dad might try or that I might get sued. At one point I started to investigate getting umbrella coverage through Farm Bureau and I look back and I realize that if I had not gone off my meds and if I had been honest with my doctor in the first place that these things might not have happened.
For most people cleaning can be a chore but for me when I get out my vacuum I will sometimes go over areas several times and I am not content until I am sure that I have gotten all the dust or cobwebs. I watched a story the other day about a woman in England with OCD that basically has to "Hoover" the air with her vacuum cleaner because she is paranoid about dust. I also bought an upholstery cleaner but I rarely use it. In my case it was paranoia about spots on my couch that was driving me.
To get to the point I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist at the end of the month and hopefully they will put me back on Celexa which was working.
And to be honest it's ok to be walking with the Lord and to be on medication. Many people do take meds for various conditions. I see my new psychiatrist at the end of March and this time I'm not going to lie anymore but I'm going to be genuine and honest about what's going on.
And I'm learning not to listen to people that want to shame me for being open about what I am going through. It's ok to not be ok and to talk about what you are walking through. I'm ready to focus on God and walk into recovery and move forward.
God bless all of you.
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