I understand that a lot of people who are suffering want to be healed of whatever condition they have. There are times when this will happen, but oftentimes 2 Corinthians 11 happens. God chooses like Paul to not take these things away but tell us that His Grace is all sufficient.
I struggle with Tourettes Sydrome. Over the holiday weekend it manifested itself. 2019 was also a very hard year for me. With the heighted political tension that wsa going on that year my Tourettes was aggravated and some of the involuntary tics including some mild corprolelia (involuntary cussing) were triggered off. I would have what looked like epileptic fits but the more I read up on it and studied it the more I realize that it was actually Tourettes Syndrome and it was full body tics. They can be hard and they can be very terrifying.
Something else was going on in 2019 that was very hard that I believe may have been triggering me. I was being taken advantage of by a religious narcissist online that was running an offense based group (not going to get into specifics). Between their controlling demeanor and his anger I would over and over again have what seemed like autistic meltdowns but now I am starting to understand. Many people with Tourettes Syndrome deal with neurological involuntary muscle movements. Those can either be full body or they can be more localized as in sometimes with me I will have eye blinking and I will jerk my chin.
Over the summer the full body tics have happened again. Usually this is a reaction to stressful events. In this case my OCD fears of getting sued and losing my property combined with fears that people would try to contest for guardianship over me and the compulsions that I was going through, I mean I was just an absolute wreck.
Now with OCD these fears are irrational. The compulstions come when I spend hours and hours looking up information on my fears. The last couple of days were kind of tough for me. Last night I was at a low. It hit suddenly and all of the sudden the cuss words started coming and I was shaking all over. And I have to admit that it was a number of different factors that was causing it. There was a tense situation going on involving a friends job and that's all I'm going to say. And it just triggered me off to the point where I wanted to go drink but that came after a full body Tourettes convulsion.
Some people in the church react with "Oh if only you had enough faith". When I first started my faith walk years back there was a guy that was a son of some people in our church that belonged to a nearby church called the Well Church. He insisted that I was not walking in faith if I kept talking about these things instead of letting God "heal" them. I felt like the church was rejecting me. I felt like God hated me. I felt like I was going to hell. None of this was true and the more I study scripture, the more that I see God's love for me.
I say this because a lot of well meaning Christians are stuck in this mindset that those that are not healed must not have faith. I also wanted to share something that I read in a book about the stigma of mental illness. You see, the man in the tombs that Jesus drove the demons out of at Gadarenes did not have a "mental illness". He was demonically possessed. Many people read this passage and cry out "OH MY GOODNESS HE JUST HEALED A GUY WITH A MENTAL ILLNESS". No. He drove a demon out of a guy that was posessed with a devil.
Many people quote the scripture where Jesus drove a demon out of a guy that was frothing at the mouth and claim "Oh he just healed autism". Again the man's son in this story was not autistic, he was demon possessed. But some Christians are misguided by popular teachers that teach that everyone has to be healed. Autism is not caused by a demon nor is it caused by vaccines. It's genetic.
There is a great stigma in the church with regards to mental illness and neurological conditions like Tourettes Sydrome and it really needs to be addressed straightforward. God is not going to heal every condition. What God will do sometimes is choose to walk with us when we deal with things like this. God has not forsaken me or given up on me at all. As a matter of fact it's when I go through hardships that I feel God the most holding onto me. I can feel his peace, it's like I can feel his arms wrapped around me it's almost like he's telling me that everything is going to be alright.
Meds are not witchcraft regardless of what some people believe. And God actually can use meds and psychiatrists to help people that are struggling. Many pastors actually use medications and they are ashamed to come out and talk about it becuase of some of these false attitudes that float around churches.
I'm not ashamed to say right now that I am seeing a counselor for trauma and other things. And although my psychiatrist went no meds with me years back I will not be afraid to go back on Celexa (for my OCD) and Topamax (which helps Tourettes} if need be. As a matter of fact when I next see my counselor I am probably going to talk to him about this. I know that whatever happens it's God's will and God's way of taking care of me. Doctors are used by God to help people.
Paul talked about how he pleaded with God to take away a thorn in his flesh 3 times but Jesus refused him. Note that it says that it was a thorn in his flesh indicating some kind of an affliction. Gods reply was that his grace was all sufficient for his power was made perfect in weakness.
Sometimes we go through things so that we can scoot alongside someone else that is going through a trial as well. I know that the things that I have dealt with including OCD and Tourettes are meant so that I can be there for other people that are suffering. Yet God has a process and I need to trust it and sometimes honestly that is not easy. It's not easy dealing with pain, whether it's through a mental illness or persecutions or what not. But God intends these things so that we can seek him in the middle of our trials.
Over the New Year I went to church with my parents at their Methodist church. The pastor talked about how we need to let Jesus grow our hearts. So true. I need to let Jesus grow mine. And I need to start speaking up more and debunking some of these beliefs that float around churches.
Hope you all have a wonderful 2023!
Many blessings.
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