Monday I had a counseling appointment. I was able to sit down with my counselor at Pine Rests Caledonia Clinic and he gave me some useful tips for coping with PTSD and it was a relaxed atmosphere and I was finally just able to let it all out and talk to my doctor about some things. At the end of the appointment I confessed to him that I had never been officially diagnosed with PTSD. He pulled up a diagnostic checklist online and asked me a bunch of questions about my symptoms and I scored high on a lot of them. He told me that I had PTSD based on my answers. Finally a diagnosis after all these years! Now it can be effectively treated!
The worst thing is that a lot of companies don't understand about mental conditions or mental health issues which is why I am glad that they have organizations like Be Nice that are committed to helping people to better understand mental illnesses and mental health issues in general. Be Nice is committed to working with local churches and businesses to foster awareness about these conditions because a lot of times stereotypes and assumptions can form.
At my last job I was afraid. I never told my supervisors at all that I was experiencing PTSD or the fact that I was tearful and that I was cutting or that I had attempted suicide several times. Instead I swept it under the rug because this is what my own family had taught me to do growing up was just to hide it.
The anxiety and pain were terrible. For years I would bury and hide the fact that I was smoking to numb the pain and as an act of self destruction. I would hide the fact that I would drink energy drinks really fast because I wanted to die. It was like a huge weight, a huge chain was hung around my neck and around my body. There were times that I would drink alcohol as well for the same reasons, to numb the pain.
I had the marks on my arms those years that I was working trucks. I never told anyone about it. My supervisor would have never understood. I wore long sleeved sweatshirts when I would work in the backs of the trucks or when I would work in our skid stacking area which was called the Racetrack and Jackpot area (because the conveyor belts were shaped like a racetrack and the chute that the packages would come down looked like a slot machine chute). But the truth is I didn't feel like a winner back then because my mind was bound up in chains. I would come in and a lot of times I was a walking zombie. I was bound up in fear.
It goes back to family attitudes towards me and persecution that I had gone through for a long time because I was different and because I believe what I believe. I believe that Jesus is the Way The Truth and the Life. In fact the things that I go through drive me right into God's arms because he understands the pain and the suffering better than anyone else in this world might. It's hard to walk around on edge. It's hard to be scared of members of your family because you are afraid that they might blow up at you. And I know that I'm not the only one. There are a lot of people on this journey, on this walk. There are pastors and people of faith that suffer quietly. Especially in faith communities there needs to be a different attitude about this and there needs to be the awareness that leaders in the church go through it as well. In fact Paul dealt with anxiety and he was constantly crying and interceding for the church especially for churches that were enduring persecutions and sufferings for what they believe in.
There are times in my life when God is all I have to go on. There were many times when I would walk home from church filled with tears and angry, and the truth is I knew that it had to do with the fact that I was fighting with PTSD, that I was fighting with the lies of the enemy.
For those out there who cut and those out there who feel they need to hide, that shouldn't be the case. There are always people out there that are ready to listen. There are always people out there that want to help you through the journey. Many people cut to just numb the pain. Their insides are just screaming. They are dealing with the pain and anxiety of trauma. And a lot of times we just need someone to listen and not to judge.
God bless you all.
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