My family believed any type of mental illness or developmental disability was an embarrassment. It was not mentioned at family gatherings and if you had a diagnosis of some kind of condition you were expected to do your best to cover it up or you would get talked to.
This was my upbringing. Growing up I would spend a lot of time to myself. I loved to write stories and listened to organ music and drew birds and pipe organs. Routine in my life was a must and if there was no routine I would get upset and angry. I was heavily into computers and I loved to spend hours and hours writing computer programs and games featuring aliens from outer space. I would check out books from the library with computer programs in them and then I would write the programs into the computer and try to debug them. I also had a love for video games and game characters.
I loved to read and I loved to do creative writing.
Loud noises terrified me. I would run around the school yard with hands over my ears because I was afraid of the metallic sound of the school bells. The first time I attended any type of religious service and there was a pipe organ I was afraid of the screechy sound the pipes were going to make. My mother attended a "seeker friendly" church in downtown Grand Rapids for years.
My parents had no idea at all what was going on. They explored several diagnosis and eventually I was diagnosed ADHD. But they suspected more and a good friend of my mothers eventually recommended taking me to the university of Michigan to see a specialist when I was in Middle School. The diagnoses was surprising. I was high functioning autistic. At the same time I was codiagnosed with Tourettes and OCD. Actually Tourettes Syndrome was my first diagnosis and came from a completely different doctor.
My mother wanted me to get the best help possible but my dad was not having any of it. My mom wanted to take me to Arizona to get me put in a special school but my dads word was final. No. And furthermore the attitude of most of my family was don't do any wierd stuff. Your not autistic, Cover it up. Pretend to be normal.
Eventually my parents divorced and courts decided I would spend two weeks with my mom and a week with my father. The attitude stuck especially from the non autistic members of my family. They were afraid. They didn't expect much out of me. I probably would never drive a car and was probably not going to make it out of high school.
I didn't know God at the time and my only exposure to Jesus was my grandmother's United Methodist Church. They didn't think that church was a good option for me because I couldn't sit still. I look back at my life and I know that God was already working in my life.
I graduated high school and ended up going off to Grand Rapids Community College. They didn't think much of that either but again I proved them wrong and graduated with an Associated. I went off to Grand Valley and started working on a computer science degree. Because I had trouble with both autism and OCD I had to utilize Handicapped Student Services to be successful. I would spend hours trying to finish tests whereas it took others a class period.
While I did learn a ton about programming and computers, the math that was required was too much for me and I was not very good with math at all. I only passed intermediate algebra and computer science required linear calculus. That was put on hold.
OCD was hell. I had a fear that I was going to hurt people in high school and I would shrug away from people. I was a germophobe and was afraid of getting poisoned by household chemicals and getting aids. By this time I had joined a Roman Catholic Church with my mother and my OCD changed forms into repetitious prayers and fear that I had sinned with my thoughts. I had nightmares couple with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from living a year and a half with two men with severe autism that would bang on the walls and scream. I was also working with a man that had an explosive temper and was a drinker.
I was really into role playing type video games to the point where I was addicted and shutting out family members. Many people with autism love video games because we have vivid imaginations. I would spend hours and hours playing Final Fantasy, Elder Scrolls games, and other video games. At the same time I was involved with a self help group at an anxiety center downtown.
By 2008 I had been laid off from my job and things were pretty much going downhill. I was afraid of losing everything I was highly scrupulous and eventually I made the voluntary decision to go into full hospitalization at Pine Rest. While I was there I got to meet a lot of people and my meds were changed. I was on Zoloft for OCD and anxiety and they changed it to Risperdal before I was eventually released. I had to participate in a lot of classes including a faith based one about biblical methods of coping with trauma.
I want to tell you about a man that was on the adult unit with me during these period. He never stopped praying with me. Every day we would pray together. He believed in me. I saw God working through him. God was letting me know that he was right there with me. During the times I was allowed to go outside for exercise I would shoot hoops with some of the folks and I got to know a couple of others that were struggling with OCD and anxiety.
Eventually I was released and ended up getting a job at Notions Marketing working in the Fulfilment department which lasted 10 years. During that time, God reached out to me through a gal I had never met at the Pentecostal Church where I had been attending Bible studies. I got saved, baptized in Jesus name and filled with the gift of the Holy Ghost a few months later.
My life was a mess when I started walking with God but Jesus never gave up on me and he's been walking with me ever since and he's connected me with some awesome people including two best friends that also are on the spectrum. God is showing me a love that I never knew. He's showed me that it's ok to be autistic, that there's nothing wrong with me, that He loves me the way I am. And although I still deal with OCD God has really helped me to cope with it and I feel his peace.
Many people on the autistic spectrum deal with this attitude of "cover autism up and act normal". I dealt with it for years and I have heard stories from other people who have dealt with it as well. In some cases the parents will act like the child cannot take care of themselves and is "stupid" or "retarded" when the opposite is true. I dealt with a lot of guilt and pain from this for years but God is really stepping up and helping me through it and bringing healing. Thankfully I am in a church environment where I know that I am loved and accepted for who I am.
My word is this to people. Before you judge someone consider what they have walked through in their life and consider the trials that they have faced. Consider that they may have come out of an abusive background where they were shamed and guilt tripped. The best thing you can do is to walk with a person. Be a support and friend to them. Fight for them. Protect them. Understand them and look at things from their perspective.
God bless you Folks.
Comments
Post a Comment