I want to share a little bit about what it's like walking with the Lord with a mental illness. I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I know that I am not perfect by any means and that God is constantly working on me, perfecting me through the trials, persecutions, tribulations, and the challenges that I face in life. The pastor of my grandmother's church down in Goshen Indiana loves to talk about James 1 and how we should count it joy when we face numerous trials and temptations.
In 1989 when I was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism (what is now known as Type 1 Autism or Asperger Syndrome) I was also codiagnosed with OCD. OCD is not an easy thing to deal with. In 2017 I was baptized in the name of Jesus Christ and I was filled with the gift of the Holy Ghost. There are some out there that think that "I don't have enough faith" or that "I have a demon" because God has chosen not to heal the OCD. Nothing could be further from the truth. Jesus never promised that walking with him would be easy at all. He said that we would face a lot of trials and tribulations and persecutions but that in the midst of them he would always be with us and would never leave or forsake us.
Now I admit that mental illness sometimes can be extremely challenging. With OCD I deal sometimes with irrational thinking and there are times when that thinking will trigger off compulsions. 2020 was not an easy year for anyone and a lot of people went through depression and loneliness and I dealt with a lot of this myself. The changes in routine were not easy for me Asperger wise. I went from security and a comfortable job to within months not knowing if I was going to have a job or be able to pay the bills and then after June the terror of the rioting in downtown GR and all the protests were very hard on me. I was also in the process of transitioning into full ownership of my condo from my dad being the landlord and was trusting that God had a plan the whole time. We will pray and God does answer but sometimes the answer is not what I expected. I was able to keep my job as an "essential" warehouse worker during the Covid pandemic but at the same time I was having to fill in for others and I ended up working overtimes shifts but thankfully was paid double time and was able to pay most of my bills.
I was a mess though. With the political climate there were a lot of angry people and I was dealing with PTSD from events that occured years back. I was afraid that people were going to explode on me (and in some cases people did get nasty with me). There were people that were trying to take advantage of me, there were some that didn't like me because of skin color. I wondered one day if I would wake up to protesters at my condo chanting "No Justice No Peace". I by no means hate anyone, my faith will not allow me to hate people for any reason. I had to get used to wearing masks after years of no mask and taking that for granted. I had to deal with angry business owners and people angry at the governor over the shutdowns.
At the same time there were challenges going on with my job, the warehouse that I worked at was falling apart and management was making some real bad mistakes. Even though I was owner of my condo part of me was paranoid that members of my family were going to put me under legal guardianship or that I was going to be sued or that there were going to be protestors showing up at my door. A lot of this turned into the compulsion of going online and researching topics like Can a Quit Claim Deed be challenged or What to do if you are sued by someone or what to do if someone contests for guardianship. Just recently I did reading and realized that it was a part of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. At the same time God has never left me in the middle of the paranoia and the worries and everything else. He has always been there with me and held onto me especially when I've been going through difficult trials.
And truthfully what a person who is struggling with these things needs is Jesus with skin on. Some mental health organizations have people that are on a recovery journey on staff that help those that are going through trials with mental illness to find their way into recovery programs or just to be there with them in the midst of their struggles. These people are called Peer Support Specialists and in the case of people with developmental disabilities that are seeking to live independently they have a very similar type of Peer position called a Peer Mentor.
My church family and my pastor have really been a mainstay in my life in the midst of these trials that I go through. God has gradually been chipping away at some of the trauma and when I deal with some of the obsessions he's always been there directly and most recently through a really good friend of mine that has been a Godsend in my life (she knows who she is). Compulsions are not easy and many time they are an adverse reaction to obsessions and this is how OCD works.
I have walked through it all in my life. There were times when OCD turned into religious obsessions and compulsions and when I did some research I found out what it was and found peace over it. I found that many people in law based religions including Roman Catholicism deal with scrupulosity. For me it was just what I already had changing forms. I thought every time that I had a bad thought I was sinning and that I was on my way to hell. When I was saved in 2015 my Apostolic UPCI family started showing me the truth. They were there with me through the trials I went through with OCD and eventually God started showing me it was because I had been in a performance based religion. I am blessed to have them by the way.
2020 transitioned into 2021 and 2021 found my at a new job with a computer recycling company called Tech Defenders. I look back and realize that God opened this door to get me out of a bad situation. And the best part is I'm working at a place where people know me from my last job and where I can be open about OCD and autism and some of the other things that I go through. When we are dealing with struggles we can choose to face them alone or we can have someone walking alongside us. I know that my church family is walking with me and I am coming to realize that it is OK to speak up about depression anxiety or mental illness in churches.
There is so much stigma even in the churches about mental illness but one of the worst things that you can do straight off is to tell someone that is going through a fight like this that they have a devil of some kind. The truth is that OCD can be treated with exposure therapy and with medications like Citalopram and many times it's simply because of chemical imbalances or because of the way the brain operates. What people with OCD and borderline need is someone just to walk with them through the trials that they are going through. Someone to sit and cry with them or to be there and just listen when they are going through a hard time. I found many friends through an organization downtown called Anxiety Resource Center. I met other people that dealt with Anxiety, OCD, Aspergers, depression, bipolar, Borderline, and the schizoaffective conditions. Many feel so frustrated because they feel that it's never going to end. Many feel trapped.
A comment can either be uplifting or it can send someone into a tailspin towards suicide. I have dealt with both. And many times peoples off color remarks have ended with me being angry at God wondering why is this happening, why are things going the way they are, where are you God. The best thing you can do is to be compassionate and respectful. Don't slam someone or tell someone they need to get healed. When you do this you are putting yourself in God's judgement seat and trying to play God. The best thing to do is to sit with someone who is going through something and understand where they are coming from. And try to be the calming voice in the middle of their situation. Most of all though two ears and one mouth. Listening is the best thing.
God bless all of you.
Comments
Post a Comment