The hardest thing in the world is when God is there and has his arms around you but the trauma that you are going through is like 1000 daggers shooting through your system and you feel lost and hopeless trapped in self medicating with nicotine.
That was me for years. More often than not the voice of nonunderstanding judgemental family members or the loud voice of a person yelling at you course through your head. During those times I felt God but the pain was so intense that I felt an intense need to do something to relieve it. Despite the fact that God was there I felt like there was no escape from those claws that had themselves wrapped around me. I felt the Holy Ghost trying to tell me to stop and to trust him. But the angry accusing voice of a family member that had grown up buying into the negative stereotypes of autism ran through my head.
Eventually every time God would win out and I would end up pitching the nicotine. But I know that trauma is a monster and it attacks without warning. Anything could be a trigger. Sounds. Cuss words. A person yelling even if it's not at you. Next thing you know you're going into a downward spiral that can last for hours. And sometimes it seems like there is no way out. I would walk through the trees in a park near my house with a pack of cigarettes in my pocket and tears in my eyes and just wanting joy again and just wanting the pain to end.
I believe in Jesus and Satan and spiritual warfare and believe me there is a constant battle going on. When I am going through a trauma attack I am so tempted to lash out and scream at any person that may walk by. But knowing it's not the right thing to do I will casually say hello and that's it. Part of me fears what would happen if they came at me and started yelling and screaming. When going through trauma a person tends to want to distance themselves from any people that they think might be a threat. And the words that come out are not the words that we might want to speak because our brain is still operating the way that it did when we were actually being yelled at or attacked or whatever the case may be.
My flesh will be in a fight. In one ear God is trying to get me to put down the cigarettes and turn around and go home but in the other ear there's the voice of trauma which cries out "You're worth nothing. Why don't you just give up now. You're never going to come to anything."
Years of fighting with this and truth is that even during those periods of self medicating God has never given up on me. God has always reached out almost every time and asked me "Is this really how you want to deal with this? Do you think that this is going to do any good? Trust me throw the nicotine away and talk to me about it because I love you more than anything."
I was in the middle of God's beauty light coming through the trees ducks and woodpeckers and other birds all around me. I knew that God was there but I was in the grips of darkness. This is how trauma works.
People don't understand. They don't understand post traumatic or mental illness and then they want to turn around and throw their two bits out. But this is not the way to deal with things. At these times we just need compassion and understanding and someone to be there with us in the midst of our darkness. People need Jesus with skin on because too many times they are going through the depths of hell on earth.
I remember one time I was in the middle of one of my trauma spells and a friend drove up in a van. I was too embarrassed to tell her the truth about what was going on. I hid it. Years of people in my family telling me just to sweep it under the rug and hide it and try to act normal. This was my life. Honestly she drove me home and we made plans to get together and go hang out. I didn't say a word that day about the fact that I was fighting PTSD though. Because it was what I had been taught.
I would go to the psychiatrist and due to the guilt trips and being told to act normal and that ending up in full hospitalization or taking meds was a disgrace to the f amily, because of these things I had that mindset of "just tell them you are doing Good. Don't tell them that you are suffering because then you are going to get in trouble with your family for it. That was my whole mindset.
Today I had a counseling appointment. Before the appointment all the same questions would be asked that were asked if I had gone to see my psychiatrist of years ago. But this time I was truthful and said how I really felt. The real me came out. The one that had smoked cigarettes and had drank beer to medicate, the real me that was sitting on the border of descending into addiction. Because I knew that I needed help. And I know that God uses counselors and therapists and psychiatrists to help people. I was told for years that autism could be healed by Jesus. I was told that it was caused by vaccines. I was told that it was a horrid abomination. I was told some of the lies of the enemy, that I couldn't be on medication because it was witchcraft. None of this is true. But that's what the enemy wants us to think.
I was thinking the other day about Joseph in Genesis. Same with Job. Both went through some pretty horrible and unspeakable trials. But in the end God used Joseph to help his family and millions of other people and eventually to bring the Israelites to Egypt and set the stage for Moses and the law and ultimately Jesus himself. And God finally spoke to Job in the midst of the pain and the friends that were giving him false hope were rebuked and He was blessed. God has a plan. Great good comes out of trials and tribulations. James 1 tells us "consider it great joy when you face trials and temptations of various kinds because your faith is being perfected.
It has not been an easy road but Jesus never said it would be. One thing I will say is that I'm thankful for my Apostolic Pentecostal church family that has walked through it with me. They have always considered me family and they have never given up on me. God has a great plan. I have to trust Jesus.
Blessings my friends!
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