The past couple of days have been up and down. Yesterday I finally was certified in Grading and doing Value Add repairs on Chromebooks. At the same time I have been going through a lot of struggles with OCD. At one time I might have questioned, "God where are you? Why is all of this happening. In fact, there was a time when OCD was centered around my at the time Roman Catholic faith. I was consumed with feeling like every time I had had an intrusive thought that I had sinned and that I needed to say a prayer or ask for forgiveness.
As of recently it's more centered around catastrophe thinking. "What will happen if people start gossiping behind my back and suddenly I have angry people coming at me from all directions?" But the honest thing is that I am doing a lot of reading and I am coming to better understand my condition and why these things happen. And at the same time I am coming to realize the depths of God's love for me and that he never leaves us in the middle of any sort of trials that we are facing even if it feels like he is distant.
OCD can be life disrupting. There have been times that it has really gotten between me and my work. My job involves giving grades to Chromebooks and then doing repairs on them. I am also coming to realize (thankfully) that I'm not the only one that works there that struggles with these things. The more that I study OCD and the more that I understand that it is not caused by "demons" and that it is the result of different wiring and chemical imbalances in the brain, the more I understand that God has a plan for me even in the middle of these struggles. Such things as skin picking are things that I have done for years but I've never really come to an understanding until recently that they were connected with my OCD. But it's also given me peace knowing what it is and the whys. Kind of like when God showed Job everything at the end when he answered Job. Having questions is part of being a follower.
When I was first diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome (at the time the DX was High Functioning Autism) I had no idea what to expect. I understood finally why I was different and what was going on with me but at the same thing I was asking the questions. Why am I different? Why am I not like everyone else? What do I keep dealing with rejection and bullying. It seemed like God was silent but he wasn't. He was right there walking with me. I came to understand and accept the way I was made by God. Putting God first helped me to really understand things and put things in context.
Throughout the Bible there were people that struggled. Elijah himself ran away and became depressed when Jezebel called for his head. Job struggled with the whys and what ifs. Joseph ended up going through numerous trials before he was used by God to bless hundreds of thousands of people. God's time is not our time and sometimes the waiting is hard.
Years back God called me to leave my church (which was in the middle of a firefight) and go to an Apostolic Church that I had been attending. He called me to get baptized in Jesus name and to trust his plan even though it meant giving up every part of my own life. I have no doubts whatsoever that following God is going to call me to make even more sacrifices in the future. I had no idea what awaited but I knew that I had to be obedient and had to follow where God was taking me.
Jesus promised to give us peace in the middle of our struggles. Struggles are actually a refining process. James 1 states that we should rejoice in trials for they produce character. There are things that I struggle with about God's Word but at the same time I know I'm in good company. Many of Jesus' disciples faced their own struggles and trials and they struggled with understanding the nature of God. There were times that they even fled in fear (right before Jesus was crucified). But God's love was immense for them. Jesus used them to preach the Gospel message to the world and even appeared before doubting Thomas and I know that there are a lot of us that struggle like Thomas and we need to see to believe. But look at how God never gave up on Thomas and Thomas like t he others was used to reach the lost with the message of hope.
I know that many challenges are coming in my life. Trials. Persecutions. Harsh weather conditions (as a matter of fact over the next couple of days a huge storm system will be moving through the Midwest.) And I know I have the choice to be like Peter and I can either choose to sink or I can choose to keep my eyes on Jesus in the middle of everything.
Dealing with depression anxiety or conditions with OCD does not mean that we are Separated from God. David dealed with some of the same issues when he was writing the Psalms. He was dealing with depression and anxiety in the middle of everything that was going on and he was crying out. You are in good company and God loves you very much! Be blessed!
Comments
Post a Comment